The Dead Parasite
by A.D.D Shepard
Summary: Zak Saturday tries to return a dead neural parasite to Argost. Based on the famous "Dead Parrot" sketch by Monty Python. Enjoy.


Zak Saturday enters a special pet shop that specializes in Cryptids rather than regular pets such as Dogs and Cats.

"Hello, I like to register a complaint," he called out as he held a cage that had a neural parasite in it. He saw Argost behind the counter of the pet shop as he made his way towards him. He noticed that Argost was working on something behind the counter.

"Hello, miss?" he asked him, Argost immediately stood up to face Zak.

"What do you mean, miss?" Argost asked. The two stared at each other for a moment in silent.

"I'm sorry, I have a cold," Zak said while he faked sniffing his nose. "I wish to make a complaint," he added.

"I'm sorry, but were closing for lunch," Argost said.

"Never mind that, I want to make a complaint about this parasite that I have bought an hour ago from this very shop," Zak said holding up the cage with the neural parasite in it.

"Oh yes, the neural parasite, what's wrong with it?" Argost asked.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it…its dead, that's what's wrong with it," Zak replied.

"No, no, it's not dead…its resting look," Argost lied.

"Look, Argost, I know a dead parasite when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now," Zak said while he looked at the dead parasite lying belly up at the bottom of the cage.

"No, it's not dead, it's sleeping look," Argost said trying to convince Zak.

"Sleeping?" Zak asked not believing a word Argost said.

"Yeah…remarkable thing the neural parasite is…beautiful wings it has," Argost said to Zak

"The wings don't enter in it, its stone dead," Zak said.

"No, no it's resting," Argost said again. Zak was getting frustrated listening to Argost.

"Okay than, if it's resting I'll wake it up," Zak said as he held up the cage again. "Hello Parry! I got nice nerves for you to feed on when you wake up Parry parasite!" he yelled into the cage. Argost then quickly hit the cage trying to trick Zak.

"There, it moved," Argost said but Zak didn't fall for it.

"No he didn't, you just hit the cage," Zak declared.

"No, I did not!" Argost said.

"Yes, you did!" Zak yelled, he opened the cage and grab the parasite and started to yell into it like a worthless cell phone.

"Hello Parry! PARRY!" Zak yelled. Argost watched as Zak held the parasite by its tail and banged it on the counter. "Parry parasite! Wake up!" Zak yelled into it again as he shook it violently. "Parry!" he yelled tossing the dead parasite into the air as both Argost and Zak watched it plummeted to the ground.

"That's what I call a dead parasite," Zak said pointing at it.

"No, no it's stunned," Argost said.

"Look, I had enough of this," Zak looked at Argost. "That parasite is definably dead. And when I bought it an hour ago you told me that it wasn't moving because it tired itself out after a long flight and squeaking!" Zak said losing his patience.

"Well, it's was pining for the fjords," Argost proclaimed.

"Pining for the fjords! What kind of talk is that?" Zak said not believe his ears. "Look, why did it fall on its back the moment I got home?" Zak asked.

"The neural parasite prefers lying on its back. Remarkable parasite, beautiful wings…" Argost was cut off when Zak interrupted.

"Look, I took a really good look at it at home and I discovered that the only reason it was sitting on the perch in the first place was that it was NAILED there," Zak explained glaring at Argost.

"Of course I nailed it; otherwise it would have gone up to those bars and VOOM!" Argost said gesturing the act by flapping his arms.

"Look, matey…" Zak said bending over to pick up the dead parasite. "This parasite wouldn't VOOM if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised," Zak said showing Argost the parasite in his hands.

"It's not…it pining," Argost claimed.

"It's not pining! It's passed on…this parasite is no more. It has ceased to be. It had expired and has gone to meet its maker. This is a late parasite," Zak ranted as he got louder. "It's a stiff! Bereft of life! It rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch in the first place, it would have been pushing up the daisies! It's off the twig! It kicked the bucket! It shuffled out its mortal coil! It run down the curtains and joins the choir invisible! THIS…IS A EX-PARASITE!" Zak pointed at the parasite while holding it up by its tail. The two paused for a moment as Zak glared at Argost while he looked at the dead parasite.

"Well then I'll replace it then," Argost said as Zak signed frustrated.

"If you want anything done in this country, you got to complained till your blue in the mouth," Zak said to himself. Argost meanwhile was looking behind the counter.

"Sorry, were fresh out of neural parasites," Argost said returning to Zak who was still holding on to the dead parasite.

"Oh…I see…I get the picture," Zak said angrily.

"I got one Mongolian Death Worm, though," Argost requested. Zak dropped the dead parasite on the counter and faced Argost.

"Does it fly and squeak?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not," Argost said.

"Then it's barely a replacement is it!" Zak snapped.

"No," Argost said looking down to his feet in defeat. He then looked up to Zak who was glaring at him with his arms crossed.

"Do you…Do you want to come back to my place?" Argost asked Zak.

"Ugh…sure why not," Zak said. The two was about to leave till Zak's father Doc bursts in to the shop.

"Alright, stop. This is getting too silly Zak," he said looking at Zak.

"Oh, come on dad," Zak said disappointed.

"No, no, I'm preventing this from getting too silly," Doc said.

"I got an idea," Argost said as both Zak and Doc looked at him.

"How would **both** of you like to come to my place?" Argost said smiling.

"I thought you never ask," Doc replied.

"Huh?" Zak said confused. Zak watched as both Argost and Doc left the shop. "Okay, this is starting to look too silly," Zak said to himself as he followed th two out of the shop.

THE END


End file.
